Paris in Pink

Ms. Paris Hilton is pretty in pink.  And I don't mean she's wearing a pink designer dress or driving a pink Cadillac, either.  

While the economy has scared the rest of America into thinking twice about Christmas presents for their loved ones, Paris pulls up to an LA shopping mall in a $200,000 Bentley wrapped in a custom Pepto-Bismol pink.  Only a person so far out of touch with the world's economic condition has the irreverence to flash around in a shamefully defaced Bentley.  And only a heiress princess can be so far out of touch.    

But what the modern-day pop culture icon is in touch with is the millions of America's adoring teens who possess the illusion that they share her star-quality status and who therefor possess a false sense of entitlement.  How many teens chew bubble gum disrespectfully in the face of the older generation and at the same time act as if they are bored with the world?  A cell phone, a quarterly new wardrobe, $300-dollar oversized sunglasses, a new car -- these items fail to meet today's teenage material needs even halfway, so mom and dad are reminded of being egregious losers for failing to provide their own child with a trust fund, a private jet and enough pocket change to spend on a super car in a particular color.        

Ok.  I'll calm down a little and acknowledge that there are parents who successfully raise their kids above philistinism and self-absorption.  They ought to be commended.  I personally know quite a few of these kids, whose politeness, grace and solicitude toward others make them appear like quiet giants, far bigger in character than all of the Paris Hilton groupies and life-style zealots put together.  Even super wealthy parents sometimes understand their kids can fall victims to the traps of wealth, so they take measures to prevent their kids from transforming into Paris Hilton zombies. 

Of course, making snap judgment of teenagers for their interest in pop-culture personalities can be unfair.  There are those who receive their entertainment through media sources but have no confusion which is real-world and which is Paris-Hilton-world.  These kids tend to suspend sobriety for a little laugh, putting the real world on hold until they turn off the television.  Then they'll go to work and earn a few dollars to pay for their own cellphone bills.  

It is those who take television to the real world that wear oversized sunglasses, snap their bubble gum and expect you to bow down to their false notoriety.  Someone ought to spray paint their Volkswagen Jettas a nice shade of Pepto-Bismol pink. 

   

When the Audience is More Violent than the Movie

Here is another reason you should buy a big-screen TV for home:  you'll get shot at the theater.  Of course, when people pay half their day's wage to see Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett on the silver screen but instead are forced to deal with your disruption, then you shouldn't be surprised if someone pulls a gun on you.

This is what happened to a father watching a movie with his family on Christmas night in Philly.  They thought they were in their own living room and junior must have bellyached about little Cindy taking his Jujubees.  And then dad probably tried to settle the argument with a barrage of verbal threats.  Meanwhile two rows down James Joseph Cialella had a hard time enjoying The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with all this disruption and so he stood, approached them, pulled a 38 caliber from his waist band and shot dad in the arm, a friendly reminder to not ruin the movie for others.

Of course, the degree of assault depends on several factors:  If the cast of the movie comprises unknown actors then you might get a "ssshh."  Fair enough.  If the movie features an actor or two whom you've seen before but can't quite remember from which previous picture, then you'll have popcorn thrown at you, in addition to a demeaning "ssshh."  If it's an actor that you know well, but not the kind seen in big-screen blockbusters, then you might receive verbal assault, but nothing more than meaningless rhetoric or name calling.  If big stars, like Brad Pitt, Tom Cruze, Reese Witherspoon and Angelina Jolie, then we're talking assault with a deadly weapon.  Even if your kids are with you and the movie is rated PG.  

I'm not advocating violence at the theaters or suggesting incivility between strangers, but I'm not delusional to what kind of world we live in.  This is why my wife and I, having for years held off buying a bigger flat-screen TV, are finally researching a 47-inch flat-screen to build up our home entertainment system.  We want to go the netflix route and watch all of our movies at home, because we really don't care to take a stray bullet while watching Mission Impossible 6.   

Crackerjack prize: $10,000

What a treat to buy a box of crackers from Whole Foods and open it to eat it with your lox and organic cheese, but when you reach in the box for some crackers you pull out $10,000 in cash.  Wonderful!  This should be enough for an entire month of groceries at Whole Foods.

Debra Rogoff in Irvine, Ca. did just this.  But instead of going on a shopping spree for for Juicy Couture sweatpants and Gucci sunglasses, she called the cops, fearing that it might have been drug money... because you know how those drug cartels like to use boxes of crackers at Whole Foods to make the drop off.

It turned out that an old woman from Lake Forrest, who lost trust in her bank, had stuffed her life savings into a box of crackers for safe keeping, but had a senior moment and mistakenly returned it to Whole Foods.  

It's not so strange that returned items are placed back onto the store shelf, if they are still resalable.  Some people might disagree, but an opened box of food doesn't sound like it should go back on the shelf.  Yes, I grew up in a generation fearful of razor blades hidden in apples, water bottles laced with cyanide and pop-up safety caps standard on all bottled drinks, so I might harbor more fear, real or hoax, than the average Whole Foods shopper (doubt it).  But, didn't anyone at Whole Foods catch the opened box of crackers before replacing it onto the shelf?  

We must be reminded that employees at Whole Foods are also human, even if they sport nose rings and dreads.  They might love the earth and are one with mother nature, but they don't necessarily love their job... or you, for that matter.  They are, after all, the front line employees of the super-grocery chain, and while they greet you at the checkouts with a fractional smile, behind them exists the deception and hypocrisy of their employer, by which work moral can be wounded enough that an opened box of crackers slips by.  Ever wonder what else slips by?   Like hand washing after using the bathroom?  It's how unhappy hippies roll, you see.

But back to the $10,000 in the box of crackers.  Mrs. Rogoff felt bad about keeping the money, so she returned it.  The old woman from Lake Forrest got every penny of it back.  But not a penny of reward was offered to poor Debra.  So now Debra felt really, truly bad about not buying herself the Juicy Couture and Gucci.